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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Time To Relax...Enjoy Diet Jokes!!!

With a slice of cucumber
Girl: I'd like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber.
Waiter: Did I hear you right? Did ou say top it off with a slice of cucumber?
Girl: Good heavens, you're right! forget the cucumber – I'm on a diet.

Diet buddies
Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

Diet pills
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."

Food groups
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.

Five Steps to a Healthy Diet
The Government has issued new guidelines for a healthy diet. They advise you to:
1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

Health Note
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Beans = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk, which contains calcium.
So, chocolate bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on - - - I didn't want to risk it. - - - - - - - - - -

I'm not fat
I'm not fat...
... I'm just short for my weight.

It's time to diet and exercise when... try to do a few push ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was. get winded just saying the words "six-kilometre run." come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees. analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humour. step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone." you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and "The Impossible Dream" become the same song. accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

New internet diet
'It's the hottest new diet! You attach this special modem to your stomach and upload your fat to a skinny person on the net!'

Now I lay me down to sleep
Now I lay me down to sleep,I pray the Lord my soul to keep.If I should die before I wake,I pray the Lord my fat to take,And leave behind a skinny shell,And all my fat can go to hell!

Self delusion
Self delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.~ Paul Sweeney

Slimming advice
My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like-just don't swallow it.~ Harry Secombe

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards ?

The problems of a healthy diet
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

The rules of chocolate
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
- If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
- Money talks. Chocolate sings.
-Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
-If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
- Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Diet feast
During a get-together at my son's house, he had prepared quite a feast. In spite of the extrapounds I'd gained the previous winter, I forged ahead and loaded my plate. "Dad !" he said, eyeing my repast, "I thought you were on a diet."
"I am!" I replied, "But I need all of this to give me the strength to go on."

The toughest part of a diet...
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

You can't lose weight without exercise
You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice. ~ Gwen Owen